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Rule 666: If It Exists, It Can Be Used to Scare the Hell Out You.
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Rule 666: If It Exists, It Can Be Used to Scare the Hell Out You.

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Follow the rules.

While watching When the Bough Breaks, a movie about a surrogate mother who falls in love with the biological father and attempts to kill the biological mother, it occurred to me, there is literally a horror movie about everything. For those familiar with the internet, there exists Rule #34 which states If it exists, there is porn of it, well the horror genre has basically the same rule. Let’s start naming off some crazy ways you’d get killed, because it probably exists in a horror movie.

Starting with the most basic premise of a horror movie, crazy guy murdering people? Easy, Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Too easy you say? What about a crazy guy killing people but he’s a white collar professional? American Psycho. How about….Crazy GIRL killing people? American Psycho 2 has you covered. You want to see kids killing people? To that I say Children of the Corn. Want to see the elderly be the antagonist? Check out M. Night Shyamalan’s first found footage piece, The Visit.

pscho-2-pack
So we got Male and Female, Old and Young, Country and City covered what about getting killed by an animal? Yes we have a film for you! Killed by the family dog, Cujo, killed by the family cat, Strays. Want both in the same movie? Pet Sematary. Rodents? Get torn up by Willard. Flying Rodents? In 1999 we had Bats, ignore the fact that they’re technically not rodents and just give it to me. Eaten by wolves? Wolven. Lions with Prey, and Tigers with Maneater, and bears with Grizzly Rage oh my!

Gorilla? King Kong, DUH! Tired of mammals and want to see someone eaten by a big fish? Jaws. Smaller fish? Piranha. Birds? Hitchcock took care of you back in 1963 with The Birds. Snakes? Anaconda. Crocodiles? Lake Placid. Spiders? Arachnophobia. I think we have animals well covered, what about the super natural? You ask for basic haunted house, I give you Paranormal Activity. You want a Haunted Castle? 2001 brought a movie with that exact title. What about possession you ask? We have young The Exorcist, old The Taking of Deborah Logan. Male The Haunting of Michael King, female The Exorcism of Emily Rose. Possessed doll? Child’s Play! You know the 1988 film that started the Chucky series, also see Annabelle.

exorcism-4-pack

What if you wanted to watch a horror movie for a special occasion like say Halloween? Okay that one’s obvious with 6 sequels and a reboot since it’s release in 1973 but what about something more wholesome like Christmas? Well feel free to check out former professional wrestler Bill Goldberg in Santa’s Slay, talk about a bad Santa. There’s also Prom Night, New Years Evil, My Bloody Valentine, Ash Wednesday, Easter Sunday, Memorial Day, Uncle Sam, There’s even a Thanksgiving themed horror movie, Thanksklling. No day is left sacred.

holiday-horror-2-pack

 

Now to bring it back to my original premise.

let’s see how well the horror genre can mirror some actual commonly searched porn terms:

Stepparent: The Stepfather
Pregnant: Rosemary’s Baby
Babysitter: When A Stranger Calls
BBW: Misery
Cuckold: Fatal Attraction
Homemade: Any Found Footage film
Midget: Leprechaun
European: Hostel
Japanese: Ring, The Grudge
Lesbian: Jennifer’s Body
Hairy: An American Werewolf in London
Teen: Scream, I Know What You Did Last Summer
Ebony: Blacula
Shemale: Sleepaway Camp
Crossdressing: Silence of the Lambs

 

Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me.

 

The only thing to do now is to come up with a name for my rule, I think I’ll call it Rule 666.
Rule 666: If it exists, it can be used to scare the hell out you.