I’ll assume it is safe to say that everyone participated in their own Turkey Day Movie Marathon this year? What’s that you ask? You were out shopping on Black Friday instead? For shame.
Surely you remember that the real holiday celebrated in November is not that gluttonous meal you attended with your family, but in fact, the day after where you gather with those you treasure most near and dear and subject yourselves to a full day and night of non-stop so bad they’re are bad, sometimes good, but mostly bad movies.
Yes, the day after Thanksgiving is the official celebratory Turkey Day Movie Marathon, so named because the movies viewed are indeed turkeys. Why would one do this you ask? Well someone has to and only the bravest of soldiers are sent to the front line to sit on their asses, drink beer and eat pizza as their eyes and ears are tortured with true celluloid crap. This year eight brave men and women survived 6 movies, 5 pizzas, a case of beer, two bottles of soda, chips, dips, brownies and spicy chocolate cupcakes.
The following films were agonizingly viewed.
Lucio Fulci’s Conquest
Yes, it is true as many amazing gifts Fulci has given us he has probably equally made some real complete bombs and Conquest is certainly one of them. In this sword and sandal head scratcher a guy with a magical bow, which doesn’t really turn magical until the end of the movie, sets out to conquer evil in the land. Some naked witch with an iron mask covering her face has a premonition he will kill her and sends her wolfmen and other creatures to stop him. Along the way, our hero meets up with a Ted Danson lookalike with long hair and the two set out to kill the witch. When our hero is defeated Ted Danson picks up the bow and saves the day. Not a lot of talking, a wee bit of gore and a naked witch who loves snakes is about all this has to offer. Love Fulci? And honestly who doesn’t? Stick with his horror and leave Conquest to us professionals.
So…uh…this is easily… the most shockingly painful gouge out your eyes and stick forks in your ear movie of the evening, hands down, goes to this huge pile of shit. Incredibly bad CGI eagles and vultures? attack a coastal town, why? Who knows? How do they stop them? Apparently, the fake birds like the audience lose interest in this film and fly away. About 45 minutes of the film is exposition about two people meeting and dating and the other 60 minutes is the worst CGI birds attacking for no reason. The good, if you ever had a doubt in your mind that you can’t make a movie. Birdemic proves to you that if you were blind you could make a better movie than this. The bad, every single possible thing else.
Our dear chief editor Doug Lipski turned me on this movie and I watched it with my jaw on the floor in disbelief. One of the most amazing movies ever made in all the wrong ways. I can’t emphasize enough how much everyone should see this film. Just know going in, that all the lions and tigers are real. All the blood is real. All the actor’s reactions are real. There is really no story to follow. You will watch about 100 lions, tigers and elephants rampage through a house and everyone trying to stay out of their way. At what point did anyone ever think this was a good idea to make?
Roar is a tough act to follow but Miami Connection was up to the challenge as the band Dragon Sound duke it out with local drug dealers and motorcycle ninjas. The 80s never looked or sounded so bad. Lame ass kung fu fighting litter this lame ass story. Everything you could ever want in a bad movie is here for your viewing displeasure. Enjoy.
The Spook Who Sat by the Door
The dud of the night was this 1973 revolutionary blaxploitation film. Not because it was such a bad movie, but because it was such a good movie. Most of the movies we watch on Turkey Movie Day we have never seen before, we just know they are stinkers. It was assumed that The Spook Who Sat by the Door would be a controversial blaxploitation film but in actuality, it is a movie about a black guy who joins the CIA to gain training to start his own revolution on the streets and fight the man. Not really exploitative or ridiculous enough for our night’s line-up of films, this one kind of killed the mood especially coming off the nonsense we just watched. Much too serious for our low-brow evening of entertainment.
Don’t Go Near the Park
Remember this one? I reviewed it during my 31 Nights of Halloween Horror series. It was so mind-numbingly dumb, I had to share it with my fellow Turkey Day troops. Want a full review, check out night 8 where I discuss this movie in full. But I must admit after watching it a second time and with a group of people, it wasn’t so bad at all. It almost made it tolerable. Don’t watch this one alone.
Another Turkey Day Movie Marathon for the books. Everyone had a good time and nothing got broken that won’t heal easily. As we all look forward to next year’s celebration, perhaps you can start your own Turkey Movie Day celebration. You have a year to practice. Beats dinner with the family again.